There's nothing easy about divorce. It's an emotional minefield to put it mildly. And it's no secret that children are the ones who are the most vulnerable here. But when I discovered the bird nesting divorce model, it suddenly opened a door for me. I was able to see how divorce could be a collaborative pathway that allowed for a humane approach to co-parenting through perilous changes to my family.
What is Bird Nesting?
Bird nesting is a child-focused model of co-parenting that allows the children to continue living in the main family home while the parents rotate in and out. It's one that requires trust and communication between the adults, which isn't always a given in divorce. But if you can manage to start with those building blocks, it's an ideal way to ensure family stability post-divorce. The focus is on preserving stability, safety, and ongoing contact with both parents. Best of all, it ensures the children aren't consistently uprooted, which means their well-being remains at the center.
Our Bird Nesting Divorce Story
Introducing the concept to my then-husband was not easy. It required open communication at a time when that wasn't a given. It also meant a shared commitment to our children's well-being - that was the easy part. We talked through various scenarios, considering renting a second apartment or renovating our home. Eventually, we landed on purchasing a two-unit home. It was an unconventional solution, but we both felt it addressed our financial concerns and spoke to our need for daily access to our children.
Research on Bird Nesting
This innovative concept is gaining traction as an alternative way of approaching co-parenting in divorce. For families with children who are navigating the challenges of separation and divorce, research shows that minimizing conflict and fostering cooperation between parents is one of the most beneficial things for children post-divorce. A 2019 study on bird nesting underscored its benefits. Children tend to thrive when they continue living in the family home. It's no surprise that the findings challenge traditional ideas of post-divorce living arrangements for families, emphasizing the need for child-friendly alternatives.
Making Bird Nesting Work for You
Bird nesting is a practical roadmap for parenting in divorce. The model varies from family to family, whether you choose a long-term arrangement, like we have, or short-term bird nesting to ease the transition, as many families do. Families can choose different setups, such as a main home with a shared second apartment, separate apartments for each parent, or, in our case, a multi-family home.
The Outcome
A year since our initial discussion and six months into our multi-family home adventure, the experience has been transformative. We still function as a family but with a different dynamic. Our children have adjusted well, experiencing minimal disruption due to daily interaction with both parents. Family dinners happen most nights, and family vacations continue, though privacy and boundaries remain an ongoing negotiation. Navigating dating is a challenge, but it turns out that has less to do with the adults and more to do with how the children will process this new phase. Despite the complexities, the commitment to what's best for the children is our guiding principle that we center ourselves on whenever things feel complex.
Bird nesting has offered a unique solution that allows us to preserve the positive aspects of our family life while embarking on new personal journeys. It's an ongoing process, but with a focus on what's best for our children, bird nesting has proven to be a transformative and sustainable co-parenting model for our family.
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